Chuck Norris' Walking Stick - Corylus avellana

There is a man who never faces danger. Danger faces him. There is a man who was born in a log cabin... that he built with his bare hands. There is a man who puts his pants on two legs at a time. This man is Chuck Norris. There are few things Chuck Norris can't do, and those are only things he's chosen not to not be able to do, which is a double-negative which means he CAN, in fact, do them. When the Boogey Man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. And when Chuck Norris merely looked at Corylus avellana, it mutated into the 'Contorta' cultivar. Then he used it as a walking stick.


Corylus avellana 'Contorta' is known commonly as "Harry Lauder's Walking Stick", but this is becoming too outdated of a name to keep. Sir Harry Lauder was a Scottish Music Hall entertainer between the turn of the last century and the 1930's, and was famed in his day for walking with a curvy walking stick. I figure, if Chuck Norris had wanted Lauder's walking stick, he would have just taken it. Then it'd be Chuck Norris's Walking Stick, a much more fitting name. Alternatively, it is also known as Twisted Hazelnut, but I don't think Chuck's got any problems with Hazelnuts. Yet. These are normally grown for their winter interest, given the incredibly twisted nature of their branching which is most evident after the leaves fall in Autumn. As members of the Birch family (Betulaceae), they will grow long yellow catkins every winter which add a nice burst of color to their already above average winter feature list. Most all Twisted Hazelnuts are propagated as grafts on a non-curly root stalk. This means that the inevitable suckers which will come up will not have the twisted growth form, and should be hw-acked.



These contortionists are slow growers, so don't expect a specimen to reach up above 9 feet for a number of years. Depending on maintenance and planting style, you could consider Chuck's Walking Stick to be a specimen tree or a shrub hedge, and prune accordingly. No matter which way ya grow it, periodic heavy pruning will help to accentuate and encourage the twisty-turns we like so much. Slow growers like this prefer to get sun most of the day, or will be even slower to instigate growth. I'd give a good hearty watering every couple weeks to avoid dryin' this puppy out, especially if companions are planted under its drip line. (The 'drip line' is the imaginary circle that would be drawn on the ground around the very edges of a tree's branching pattern.) As far as I'm aware, Twisted Hazelnut is hardy in Zones 4-8 and should be expected to achieve sort of cubic dimensions of 8-10' along the X,Y, and Z axis. (That's Nerd for height, width, and depth)


I think Chuck Norris is a requisite for the Garden Manscape. Between its shrubby hedge-iness, twisty-turny branches, and flip-floppy yellow catkins, its hard to find a reason not to plant one. If the fist hiding in Chuck Norris' beard could, it'd slap you around until you planted some Walking Stick for him. Don't make Chuck's third fist angry... you wouldn't like him when he's angry...


photo credit:
1] http://www.ma-mags.com/Mags/BB90/BBY%201990-YB%20Cov.jpg
2] http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Oq4exTJiqQU/TWRSban9G-I/AAAAAAAACO8/tVuuQrYfa10/s1600/P1080205%2B%25281280x960%2529.jpg
3] http://lve-baumschule.de/i/pflanzen/Corylus-avellana-Contorta__8367.jpg
4] http://www.nyme.hu/fileadmin/dokumentumok/emk/botkert/Diszfaismeret/Corylus%20avellana%20'Contorta'/IM001662.JPG