Killer Robot Army from the Future, Accessing the Present Through a Rift in the Space-Time Continuum - Abies koreana

When I try to compile a list of "Legitimately Terrifying Things that are Somewhat Likely to Occur", the list becomes quite long;

- Emergence of deep-sea creatures with many heads
- Global take-over by an alien race who fuel their ships with people
- Hordes of re-animated dead hungry for brains
- Waking up as the only living human on the planet, but without hands
- Escape of violent insane asylum patients into my immediate neighborhood
- Capture by jungle guerillas who are actually real gorillas who have learned to speak and use advanced weaponry

As I'm sure you know, the list goes on. I think there's one item on the list I haven't mentioned, that is without doubt the most legitimately terrifying thing that's somewhat likely to occur;

- Killer Robot Army from the Future, Accessing the Present Through a Rift in the Space-Time Continuum

Terrifying, I know. But why bring this up? What reason have I got to entertain such madness? Because I have seen it. I have seen the beginnings of the invasion. The robots are coming, and they're hiding in plain sight. They think we don't know. But I know. I know there's no such thing as Abies koreana, the Korean Fir... because really they're members of a Killer Robot Army from the Future, Accessing the Present Through a Rift in the Space-Time Continuum... in disguise...


Abies koreana may appear at first glance to be a regular old Christmas Tree, and to a point you may be right. It is an evergreen Fir tree, often with a nice pyramidal shape, that can be bought around the Yule-tide season to be decorated in your home. But this year, ask your Christmas tree if it can decorate itself. 'Cause this one can. Probably the most sought after characteristic of this particular member of the Fir genus is the brilliant purpley-blue-ish upward pointing cones that emerge in the Spring. It's got purple cones. Purple. Cones. Now these will mature throughout the year and turn to more of a brown, so don't feel gyp-ed when the purple starts to fade. Of course, what's a little blue and purple without silver and green to back it up? Needles on this specimen grow in a rather peculiar curving fashion which highlight their undersides and feature two white bands on every needle. This is a pretty awesome effect and sorta screws with the eyeballs when you look at one. Kinda like a Magic Eye picture. Except from Korea. And made of tree.



Hardy to Zones 5-7, this fir is a bit more heat tolerant than most others. As such it enjoys lots of sun, but will be a slower grower than you might hope. Considering its ornamental value however, growth rate shouldn't really break the bank. Expect 15-30' of growth over a few decades. Cities or urban areas with nasty air pollution may not be the best places for Abies koreana, and you'll want to make sure you have a looser soil in which to grow them. I recommend a pretty average watering regime, no more or less than you'd wet down your other average plants, but they prefer not to have wet feet, alot like robots... hm...


When the somewhat-likely-to-be-inevitable happens, you'll want to be on the right side. I figure a killer robot army from the future is going to need a guy on the inside, so to me, establishing a good relationship with one of their agents is key. This way, he'll have a soft spot for me when the battalions of mechanized intruders invade through the space-time continuum rift, and spare me from their wrath. And if not, at least I had an awesome tree back in the golden days when the gettin' was good. Get yourself some Killer Robot Army from the Future insurance. Plant Abies koreana, the Korean Fir, in your Garden Manscape.



photo credit:
1] http://brianorndorf.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54ee7b642883301156fa4b2c8970c-500wi
2] http://www.susancohangardens.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/abies-koreana-silberlocke.jpg
3] http://v3.cache2.c.bigcache.googleapis.com/static.panoramio.com/photos/original/52946649.jpg?redirect_counter=1
4] http://www.fossilcreeknursery.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/product_full/abies_koreana_starkers_dwarf.jpg

Chuck Norris' Walking Stick - Corylus avellana

There is a man who never faces danger. Danger faces him. There is a man who was born in a log cabin... that he built with his bare hands. There is a man who puts his pants on two legs at a time. This man is Chuck Norris. There are few things Chuck Norris can't do, and those are only things he's chosen not to not be able to do, which is a double-negative which means he CAN, in fact, do them. When the Boogey Man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. And when Chuck Norris merely looked at Corylus avellana, it mutated into the 'Contorta' cultivar. Then he used it as a walking stick.


Corylus avellana 'Contorta' is known commonly as "Harry Lauder's Walking Stick", but this is becoming too outdated of a name to keep. Sir Harry Lauder was a Scottish Music Hall entertainer between the turn of the last century and the 1930's, and was famed in his day for walking with a curvy walking stick. I figure, if Chuck Norris had wanted Lauder's walking stick, he would have just taken it. Then it'd be Chuck Norris's Walking Stick, a much more fitting name. Alternatively, it is also known as Twisted Hazelnut, but I don't think Chuck's got any problems with Hazelnuts. Yet. These are normally grown for their winter interest, given the incredibly twisted nature of their branching which is most evident after the leaves fall in Autumn. As members of the Birch family (Betulaceae), they will grow long yellow catkins every winter which add a nice burst of color to their already above average winter feature list. Most all Twisted Hazelnuts are propagated as grafts on a non-curly root stalk. This means that the inevitable suckers which will come up will not have the twisted growth form, and should be hw-acked.



These contortionists are slow growers, so don't expect a specimen to reach up above 9 feet for a number of years. Depending on maintenance and planting style, you could consider Chuck's Walking Stick to be a specimen tree or a shrub hedge, and prune accordingly. No matter which way ya grow it, periodic heavy pruning will help to accentuate and encourage the twisty-turns we like so much. Slow growers like this prefer to get sun most of the day, or will be even slower to instigate growth. I'd give a good hearty watering every couple weeks to avoid dryin' this puppy out, especially if companions are planted under its drip line. (The 'drip line' is the imaginary circle that would be drawn on the ground around the very edges of a tree's branching pattern.) As far as I'm aware, Twisted Hazelnut is hardy in Zones 4-8 and should be expected to achieve sort of cubic dimensions of 8-10' along the X,Y, and Z axis. (That's Nerd for height, width, and depth)


I think Chuck Norris is a requisite for the Garden Manscape. Between its shrubby hedge-iness, twisty-turny branches, and flip-floppy yellow catkins, its hard to find a reason not to plant one. If the fist hiding in Chuck Norris' beard could, it'd slap you around until you planted some Walking Stick for him. Don't make Chuck's third fist angry... you wouldn't like him when he's angry...


photo credit:
1] http://www.ma-mags.com/Mags/BB90/BBY%201990-YB%20Cov.jpg
2] http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Oq4exTJiqQU/TWRSban9G-I/AAAAAAAACO8/tVuuQrYfa10/s1600/P1080205%2B%25281280x960%2529.jpg
3] http://lve-baumschule.de/i/pflanzen/Corylus-avellana-Contorta__8367.jpg
4] http://www.nyme.hu/fileadmin/dokumentumok/emk/botkert/Diszfaismeret/Corylus%20avellana%20'Contorta'/IM001662.JPG

Indiana Jones and the Treasure of New Zealand - Carex flagellifera

Legends abound of an ancient Polynesian treasure buried deep in the South Island of the fractured country of New Zealand. Here, the vast riches of the seafaring Maori were compiled sometime between 1250 and 1300 AD to safeguard from warring tribes. The 1600's saw the eventual introduction and settlement of Europeans who brought with them potatoes and muskets and set off the Musket Wars in the early 19th Century. It was during this time that the location of this famed wealth of treasure was lost, its secrets having been passed down by an elite family of guardians for over 500 years. Rumors of its contents and whereabouts are whispered of, but no explorer has ever uncovered the mysteries of the Maori cache. If there was a man who could find it, a man who could use wit and sarcasm interchangeably, a man who could swing in to risk life and limb in the face of almost any danger, save snakes, surely that man would be the great archaeologist of Barnett College, Dr. Indiana Jones. This is the story of Indiana Jones and the Treasure of New Zealand. This treasure is Carex flagellifera - the Copper Sedge.


This bronze treasure from New Zealand looks an awful lot like a grass; but it isn't. It's in fact a sedge. A simple explanation of the grass vs. sedge dichotomy is in the cross section of its leaves. If you were to chop a sedge blade in half it would create a nearly perfect triangle, rather than a sort of hollow tube or thin leaf blade you'd expect from a grass. A nice way to remember this is an old saying "Sedges have edges". Now a lot of people don't like copper sedge because it looks like perpetually dead grass, which I think is a load of phooey. Ornamental grasses are frequently planted primarily for their fall color, which a lot of times is a more bronzed or "dead" look. Clearly, these people make no sense, which is why Carex flagellifera, or "Indy Sedge" as I call it, is such an primo choice for the Garden Manscape. Rather than having only good fall color, this sedge will keep this same brown tone all year long. There is really no flower to speak of, so maintenance is non-existent. Use these high-arching clumps in mass plantings with other nice clumpers to fill gaps and help set off colors of its partner plants.


As a member of the sedge family (Cyperaceae), Carex flagellifera has a clump forming habit due to its spread through creeping rhizomes. This means these won't annoyingly spread seed all over the garden and make more work for you, since we know you're a busy guy and you've got things to do. It also means that they're another thrifty plant that can be split, or can be kept easily in check to make sure it doesn't take over too much space. So far, only good things. Sedges often like things wet, as a lot of 'em come from wetlands and the like. Carex flagellifera likes a moist habitat, but not quite "inundated wetland" conditions, so I'd rate their water need a little above "medium". This sedge also likes full sun to some shade, which, if planted strategically will catch the sun in the late afternoon, and make you understand why its considered such a Kiwi treasure. Expect a clump to get somewhere between 12-16" in height and fill nicely into whatever extra spots you've got in your Garden Manscape. Hardy to Zone 4 at least, there's really no logical reason not to get your mitts on some copper sedge.


Risking his life in the name of science and adventure, Professor Jones has delivered us a glorious booty from a land of epic peril. Having nearly lost his hat through the adventure, we as a horticultural community owe it to the good doctor to cherish this most inordinate gift. Consider your Garden Manscape as a museum of exotic plants, without the school buses full of gum-spitting, Hawaiian punch spilling children to muck it up. If a museum like that existed, that's where Indiana Jones would have kept his relics. Make a home for Indy, plant some Carex flagellifera, come up with snarky comments later.





photo credit:
1] http://spielbergfanclub.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark-indiana-jones-3677988-1280-720.jpg
2] http://www.thompson-morgan.com/medias/sys_tandm/8796355952670.jpg
3] http://blog.oregonlive.com/hg_impact/2009/08/heathers-cover.JPG
4] http://plantsloves.cocolog-nifty.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/07/18/img_1486.jpg

M. O. S. E. S. - Euonymous alata

It is common knowledge throughout the world in any number of cultures and faiths that Moses went atop Mt. Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights, and came back with God's 15... nay, 10 Commandments. We accept that when fleeing Egypt he asked God's help and the Red Sea was parted for the Isrealites to continue fleeing. And we take for granted that he spoke with God through a burning bush that was not consumed by fire. Ahem, what? A bush that was not consumed by fire? If we had to translate this literally into existing plant terms, we'd say "Phooey! There's no such thing as a flame retardant bush!" But what if there was though? Or at least, if there appeared to be? I'm not suggesting some sort of asbestos covered shrub, rather, could it have been Euonymous alata, the Burning Bush?


Now, it's not a far stretch to get "Burning Bush" from the burning bush story. But the reason for Euonymous alata's common name is the incredible bright red fall color that really looks like the whole shrub is engulfed in vibrant red flames. Of course, I've never heard God speak through one yet, but I'm not Moses. I don't even think we're cousins. So that explains that. After the leaves fall however, this incredible specimen continues to hold winter interest. The name "alata" in Latin means "winged", and the branches of this bush actually are winged. Small vertical wings of modified cork cells extend out from 4 sides of each twig, one of the most unique features you'll find in the winter landscape. Wings! The things's got wings!


Expect a winged Euonymous to get about 8-12' high and have a full habit. It doesn't like soils too dry or too wet, but moist and well-drained, although I have seen them do fine on lakeshore properties. Full sun is preferred and part shade is tolerated, but as always more is better, especially to ensure the fullness of fall color you'll be looking for. Watch for unwanted seedlings with Burning Bush, as they do have a tendency to re-seed and create somewhat invasive outcroppings. This has put them on the 'undesireables' list in a few states, namely Massachusetts and New Hampshire where its illegal to sell them. As natives to China and Japan you'll find these survive well between Zones 4-8, although I don't think Moses ever made it that far.


If nothing else, Burning Bush is fun to say. Burning Bush. In all likeliness, God probably won't deliver you divine messages if you plant one, but hey, maybe. Euonymous alata is the only Garden Manscape shrub to have been discussed in the Bible, and that's gotta mean something. Take a cue from Moses; go talk to a bush. Make it a Burning Bush.



photo credit:
1] http://worshippingchristian.org/images/blog/burning_bush.jpg
2] http://www.invasive.org/images/1536x1024/2307068.jpg
3] http://www.nd.gov/fac/images/Burning%20Bush.jpg
4] http://plantwithme.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/IMG_0167.jpg

80,000 Years of Crazy in the Making - Populus tremuloides

"Meyagbagaga!" would be considered a word by a single, very special creature. This is a creature who has to be chained, literally chained to his drum set to prevent him from either escaping or eating his cymbals. This is Animal, the famed Muppet drummer of the band Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Perhaps there's something uncivilized about a brute on the drums, but there is nothing quite as high society as Animal's impeccable jazz drumming. The fast, brilliant quadruple stroke rolls that flow from his limbs capture the inherent focus of an unbroken evolutionary chain that has produced a biologically perfect percussion machine. But nature is wily and cunning, not foolish enough to create just one of something. The botanical world has a drum machine of its own, one that emits a devastating array of sound like that of a thousand muppet snare drummers, given the slightest hint of a breeze. Populus tremuloides, the Trembling Aspen is the all-time greatest hits soundtrack to the Garden Manscape.


Trembling Aspen may have evolved almost too perfectly. In South-Central Utah a stand of Aspens called Pando exists which is heralded as the largest, the heaviest, and perhaps the oldest living organism on Earth. Populus tremuloides does not often spread by seed; rather it creates a spreading mass of underground roots that send up additional genetic clone 'trees', but are connected as a single entity. Pando is estimated to weight upwards of 6,600 tons and may be over 80,000 years old. The name "Trembling" comes from the flattened petioles that attach leaf to stick on these trees. The flat shape catches the wind much more than a regular round leaf petiole, and is responsible for the constant quaking evident in this species. Using these poplars in the Garden Manscape may require occasional removal of suckers, which are the volunteer clones that emerge from the spreading root mass. With a solid pair of hand pruners, this is really no big deal. Besides the addition of movement to the garden, these are also grown for their smooth light bark and vibrant yellow color in the Fall.


As far as neediness goes, Aspens are a lot like Animal; keep them watered, give them space to play, but keep them under control. These are a major component in Boreal Forest regions, which means you can plant them pretty much as far north as humans are willing to go, well into Zone 3. Populus tremuloides can be found in absolutely every soil type; shallow, deep, rocky, sandy, clay-ey, loamy, or wet. It takes a lot of effort to kill an Aspen, especially once you've let it establish, so this definitely falls under the 'Easy to Grow' category. Full grown, these are medium-large trees standing up to 70' tall. If you're a budget conscious gardener and have more time than money, planting a stand of Tremblers is a thrifty way to begin filling in a corner of the landscape with a grove of trees. Make sure not too mow too close to the base of the colony for a few years and you'll have an Insta-Forest in no time.


Think of the soundtrack to your Garden Manscape now, and it's probably like a speaker on mute. Animal doesn't do 'mute', and from now on neither should you. Pump up the jams and throw in some Trembling Aspens to fill the back corners of the garden. It's like an awesome drum solo all day, every day, for the next 80,000 years.



photo credit:
1] http://www.troys-drums.com/images/animal_drums.jpg
2] http://www.backyardbutterflygarden.com/butterflies/aspen-tree.jpg
3] http://westcan.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/aspens.jpg
4] http://www.colby-sawyer.edu/images/image_899.jpg

Mace Windu Re-Incarnate! - Fagus sylvatica

In an epic plot turn battle, pre-Darth Vader Anakin Skywalker light sabers off Master of the Jedi Order Mace Windu's hand, allowing Sith Lord Darth Sidious to Force Lighting him through his chamber window. Spilling popcorn, I watched the purple light saber weilding Jedi fall to his death near the end of the third of the pre-quel Star Wars films, & I felt a tremor in the Force. Struck by this most peculiar energy, I stumbled out into the yard, trembling with an unknown source of what felt like adrenaline. I could feel the grass underfoot stretch and wane under the weight of my steps, I could see the very essence of the breeze rippling through the branches of the trees, and understood our connection to the ebb and flow of the sub-atomic universe. This energy surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. And it was at that moment that I felt the re-emergence of Mace Windu, a Jedi Master who may have died out a window a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, but in a sparse cosmic moment allowed his life force to be transferred into my garden. Not just into the garden, but into a tree, one single entity that will maintain his spirit. The form, color, texture, and shape are reminiscent of his physical presence. This tree is Mace Windu Re-Incarnate. This is Fagus sylvatica "Purpurea Pendula" - the Purple Weeping European Beech.


"Purpurea Pendula" can become a big purple beast - much like Mace Windu on the battlefield. And you may think 'weeping' is a sign of weakness or un-manliness, but that's where you're wrong. European Beech comes in many varieties and forms, and most of them are green and upright, kinda like how many Jedi have the green or blue light saber crystal. But only Mace Windu had purple, and only Mace Windu plummeted to his death out a thousand-story space window. The parallels here are clear. Like Samuel L. Jackson, Fagus sylvatica "Purpurea Pendula" is one B.A.M.F. We haven't yet discussed weeping tree forms, though most are probably familiar with the Weeping Willow (Salix alba) and understand what they look like. Weepers do rarely occur in nature, and are typically cultivated variations of a genus which has no central leader which allows its branching habit to become softer and appear pendulous. Weeping trees should almost always be planted in a landscape by themselves with plenty of room to stretch out and be oogled at.


Expect a Weeping Beech to get at maximum around 10-12' in height, though I have seen a specimen well over 20'. It should be noted though, that this amount of growth should not expected for many, many years. These weepers are slow growers (as they have no central leader to help them grow upwards) and most growth will appear more as 'infill' than height. These specimens are best planted in a proper garden setting, so if you're deep in the city and have a lot of messy, junky, compacted soil "Purpurea Pendula" may not be your first choice. As deciduous trees, they will lose their leaves annually, but provide an excellent almost sculptural quality for the rest of the year. Hardy from Zones 4-7, keep this in full sun and avoid letting them get thirsty. Since these are often a result of scientific meddling, they do require a bit more nutrients and the like than some of my other more natural selections. This is a small price to pay for the form and color though, so suck it up.


If you've had make-believe light saber battles with invisible enemies as many times as I have, consider the power of planting a Master of the Jedi Order in your Garden Manscape. You could even use a dwarf evergreen at his side to represent Master Yoda. The possibilities of the Jedi Garden are endless, but Fagus sylvatica "Purpurea Pendula" should be considered a staple. The Force is strong with this one...


photo credit:
1] http://media.desura.com/images/members/1/431/430710/MaceWinduWallpaperV2.jpg
2} http://www.nortplantas.com/innovaeditor/assets/fagus.jpg
3] http://plants.chaletnursery.com/Images/Photos/A238-22.jpg
4] http://www.lizerlandscape.com/Website%20Plant%20Photos/Fagus%20sylvatica%20'Pendula'.jpg

Like the Silver Surfer... Except Blue. And unable to detect and manipulate energy and matter at a sub-atomic particle scale - Festuca glauca

When Marvel Comic's Stan Lee and Jack Kirby named the Silver Surfer, I think their original intention was to dub him "The Glaucus Surfer", as an off-shoot from the entity 'Galactus' with whom the surfer first bargained with on the planet Zenn-la. But that didn't have quite the right punch. "Blue Surfer" made him sound like some Hawaiian shirt wearing beach bum with gorgeous wind-swept hair. And "Shiny Surfer" was just stupid. So they settled on Silver Surfer, which I suppose is a good name considering he is entire body is colored silver. And indeed, he's a very well developed character; cool headed, hard and handsome, un-needing of water, able to survive in environments like hyper space and black holes, and able to detect and manipulate energy and matter at a sub-atomic particle scale. But it turns out Stan and Jack could have saved themselves a whole lotta trouble creating such a character, because one already exists. It is cool colored, hard abd handsome, needs very little water, able to survive in desolate environments in the suburbs AND the city, and is... able to detect and manipulate... sub-atomic... hmm.
Well its everything else on the list, and I think that's pretty good. Prepare a spot for the new Silver Surfer; Festuca glauca, the Blue Fescue.


Now I admit Blue Fescue is really a pretty common plant for the designed landscape because its list of features is so extensive, and since I have a tendency to choose weirder, more peculiar horticultural oddities, you may think I'm just getting lazy. But riddle me this: how many grasses are compact and clumpy, great looking year round, require very little water, can be planted anywhere, even in rock gardens, and have a cool blue coloring? This selection is the real deal, so get off the high horse and let's talk fescue. Now you should be aware, there are a great many "fescues", many of which are used as turf grasses because they are tough and tolerant cool season grasses. This isn't one of those fescues. The tall blue spikes of Blue Fescue grow in a clump or mounding habit rather than sprawling across a bowling green. The species name "Glauca" comes from the grey-blue powder that forms on the foliage, a condition called "Glaucus" in Latin. As a landscape color, use this to your advantage to create and punctuate a soft or cool color palette of other whites and silvers. Dark foliaged ground covers can also look excellent growing under fescue clumps.


Height wise, Festuca glauca should reach about a foot in height, and to maintain vibrancy of its glaucus color would prefer to get sun every day. Another plant selected for xeriscaping, Blue Fescue has a low water dependency and can survive all year without ever seeing a sprinkler. Many folks find the first year of a fescue planting to be extraordinarily rewarding visually, and assume that every year will remain just as handsome. They then find that the dead foliage from the year before is seemingly impaled and unmoving from the clump, leaving a dead jumbly mess. Make sure to sheer the dead out of your fescue clumps annually to ensure consistent results. Think of it as a trade off from watering. Inflorescence wise, the seed heads of this particular grass are not great to look at, and can actually detract from the effect most clumps are planted to achieve. Feel free to lop these off at your leisure. These will remain hardy in Zones 4-8, but should not be planted in areas where they will become or remain very wet regardless of Zone.


There's very little, save the ability to detect and manipulate energy and matter at a sub-atomic particle scale, to seperate Festuca glauca from the Silver Surfer. Don't get me wrong, in a battle I still definitely choose Silver Surfer. But why would he fight a plant? The very idea is ludicrous unless it's that man-eating plant from Little Shop of Horrors. In the garden, every time I'd choose Blue Fescue, every time. Every time.




photo credit:
1] http://wemadethis.typepad.com/we_made_this/images/silversurfer.jpg
2] http://edenmakersblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/footpath.jpg
3] http://www.thompson-morgan.com/medias/sys_tandm/8796381577246.jpg
4] http://edenmakersblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/footpath.jpg

Kool-Aid Man Beats the Thirsties - Lobelia cardinalis

How many fun-loving, gigantic pitchers of juice who burst through brick walls do you know? I know of only one, and that's the Kool-Aid Man. And when I was growing up, there was a single fashion statement associated with hot summer days when Kool-Aid Man helped us beat the heat. Average income families across the nation reminisce about the red-stained upper lips of their adolescence, thanks to the Kool-Aid mustache. Nothing those summers was more handsome than the mark that said to friends "I just enjoyed a cool, refreshing glass of a sensibly priced, sugar based beverage." This was the sweet, sweet nectar of life. And now, as I grow farther from the sugar craze of my youth, I long for the deep, true richness in color that only Kool-Aid could provide. Perhaps at that age the reds seem more fruit punch-ey, the purples more grape-ish, and the blues more Great-Bluedini-rific. But now, through the wonders of horticultural magic and wizardry, the classic Kool-Aid Man red has been revived and embodied in a single plant. The legacy of 60 tasty years, of countless battles wherein Kool-Aid Man beats the Thirsties, and of true American suburban culture can be yours. Come savor the flavor of Lobelia cardinalis "Fried Greeen Tomatoes".


There are many different cultivars of Cardinal Flower, but none have the vibrancy of flower color AND the depth of foliage tone that "Fried Green Tomatoes" has. The season-long spikes attract nectar lovers of all shapes and sizes, including me. Leaves of this recent development from Pennsylvania show up fully maroon in the spring, and slowly age through the summer into a gorgeous marbleized bronzey-olive green on top. Thick clumps of flower spikes will begin to emerge in mid-summer and will become a beacon of possibility for color in the Garden Manscape. Few flowers have the lasting power of Cardinal Flowers, leaving you rather astounded week after week for nearly two months before the color fades. As a show of unbridled "Kool-Aid Man driving a Ferrari" red, nothing comes close to Lobelia.


Lobelias prefer sun. Anything with the color brilliancy of "Fried Green Tomatoes" could be considered a sun lover, but of course can make due with some shade throughout the day. Spikes can reach up over three feet, so place them somewhere in the mid-range of the border to make sure they don't cover up another choice specimen behind them. "Fried Green Tomatoes" is normally a sterile cultivar, therefore won't seed. If you're looking for a mass planting of Cardinal Flower, you'll have to either select a non-sterile cousin of this, or buy each plant for the clump from a garden store, or wait to divide them after a few years of growth. Free draining, moist conditions are appropriate for all Lobelias, and they are hardy from Zone 4-8. This is a perennial herbaceous plant, which is fancy-pants talk for saying it will die back to the ground each year, and will return each spring to create all-new above ground structures. Keep young soccer players and frisbee-loving pups away from these as best you can, as a broken flowering spike is irreparable for the season.


Color is important to the Garden Manscape, and Lobelia cardinalis is among the boldest color statements around. When looking to beat the heat, I say fight fire with fire, and add a blast of Kool-Aid mustache red through the garden. If Kool-Aid Man were here, he'd bust a gigantic pitcher shaped hole through your fence and plant it himself.



photo credit:
1] http://www.4colorrebellion.com/media/pics/09/08/kam/300.jpg
2] https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ekEazwNNBuHvFBglp-PQRBsHOAC5SZnhRHvI4jr_NnY6oYWq6ikP7uNk6Kx5JfuQ2qnV-DeEpjfngYJUD0AUDQlXJaLfm1vXAVey5nH6IztCAkoj-FWpWWJfmLDszfKmON2NTGRWNFY/s1600/Lobelia-cardinalis.jpg
3] http://www.pleasantrunnursery.com/_ccLib/image/plants/DETA-1217.jpg
4] http://dev.hortmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/384px-Lobelia_cardinalis_-_Cardinal_Flower.jpg
5] http://mma.lohudblogs.com/files/2008/05/kool-aidman.jpg

Legend of the Ninja Master - Ajuga reptans

A glint of moonlight shimmers off the smooth steel of the katana blade. Soundless and sneaky, a black-masked shadow infiltrates the guarded walls protecting a peaceful mountain village, while the peasants sleep heavily and unaware. The air, sharp with chill of autumn fills the calm lungs of the night guard, stationed in the village's watch tower. Breathing onto his cupped hands, his warming motions are stopped suddenly as he crumbles heavily onto the floor. A few moments later, a bloodied throwing star is pulled from the guard's neck. Outside the walls, a gathering of the infiltrator's disciplined disciples gaze patiently towards the sky, awaiting the signal. The ninja grips his prized sword at the hilt and leaps from the tower in a double front flip. In mid-air, he whips the red-stained throwing star from his sash into the night sky. The gathering sees the silver star as it shoots upwards at the moon, hovers momentarily in its full, white brilliance then drops back to Earth on the other side of the wall. Without a word, the group hastens over the wall, disintegrating into the village to fulfill their destiny. The ninja master, in a shroud of mystery disappears into the void of shadows. His name stays forever in the annals of legend and intrigue. With muted whispers, the elders speak still of Ajuga reptans, Black Scallop.


Ajuga reptan's common name, Bugleweed, would have made for a much less mysterious introduction, and until the late 1990's was considered just another green ground cover. Then, as fate would have it, a natural mutation on tissue culture in the U.K. presented the world with the Black Scallop cultivar., and history was made. The foliage of this horticultural wonder is the primary reason for its use in the garden. Deep purple leaves grow darker given more sun, and it can be planted almost anywhere. In mid to late spring a flourish of blue-purple flower spikelets emerge and carpet this carpet with a carpet of color. (Too many carpets?) Ajugas are 'stoloniferous', which means they spread using above ground root extensions called 'stolons'. After their annual flowering, you could actually set up a time-elapse camera and watch their roots creep outwards in search of an acceptable place to set-up shop. If you want to keep your dark carpet compact, this is the best time to snip the extraneous growths to ensure your Bugleweed doesn't get out of control. This type of growth provides an excellent barrier to weeds, and should be placed anywhere you might be weary of weedy infiltrators. You'll want to use this as a background planting for anything white or silver for sure, but really can serve as a canvas for just about anything.


Bugleweeds are hardy from Zones 3-7, and as such should be considered indispensable in a Northern climate Garden Manscape. These are a creeping ground cover, and will reach a maximum height of about 3-6 inches. Shady spots under trees and among taller perennials will do fine, however to get the darkest foliage color make sure to place them to get some sun. This is a pretty average garden plant in terms of needs; 'medium' amounts of water (i.e. some, but not a lot...) and moist, well-draining soil are recommended. Ajuga reptans can be susceptible to something called Crown Rot, which sounds a lot like royal inbreeding. In fact, Crown Rot is a fungus that can attack plants like Bugleweed, Hosta, or Peony when they are allowed to become too hot in humid climates. The fungus will basically attack the leaf petioles and rot through them. (A leaf petiole is the small stick-like thing that connects a leaf to a plant.) Look for browning edges on leaves and if you're able to pull off pieces of your plant without any effort, that's probably a bad sign. Check near the stem of plants for tiny (1 mm) red or white bumps. Don't let this weird you out though, crown rot is not particularly common historically in the mid-west.


Use Ajuga reptans "Black Scallop" to enhance your Garden Manscape both as a backdrop and Spring feature. Forget the common name is "Bugleweed". A cultivar like "Black Scallop" is a rare and beautiful thing, much like ninja sightings. Ninjas have always worn black; not to blend in with shadows, but because it makes their weapons look awesome. Let Ajuga do that for you.



photo credit:
1] http://i1.myprofilepimp.us/user_layouts/imgs/imgs_users/2009/8/23/614207Black%20Ninja.jpg
2] http://www.provenwinners.com/sites/provenwinners.com/files/imagecache/max_width/ifa_upload/68829.jpg
3] http://www.sirwilliamsgardens.com/product_images/j/369/WaltersGardens-LO7314-Ajuga-reptansBlack-ScallopPP15815-COPF__53754_zoom.jpg
4] http://www.fonnesbeckgreenhouse.com/xcart/images/P/Ajuga%20reptans%20'Black%20Scallop'.jpg
5] http://www.kenwicknursery.co.uk/images/Ajuga%20Black%20Scallop.jpg

The Baddest BattleCat on the Block - Chasmanthium latifolium

There are two words and two words only needed to describe the reason for He-Man's continued success whilst battling the evils of Skeletor and his many, many other-dimensional minions. You're probably thinking those two words would be "super strength" or "power-of-greyskull" or "big sword", but ready yourself for this one, Jack; "Battle-Cat". Yes friends, Battle-Cat. This powerful green and yellow striped tiger cat creature, when imbued with the Power of Greyskull has gotten He-Man out of countless sticky situations, sometimes merely with a snarl of his razor-sharp man-eating chompers. The vibrancy of his striped coat signals to henchmen from across the Universe that this is certainly the baddest cat on the block. But when it's feedin' time in the Kingdom of Eternia and there's no bad guys to be chewed up, Battle-Cat curls up for a camouflaged nap in a thick sea of variegation. The only place Battle-Cat lets down his guard is in a clump of Chasmanthium latifolium variegatum - 'River Mist' Northern Sea Oats.



The features of this specimen almost require no written explanation. A couple good photographs make the obvious, obvious. But, I'm writin' about it anyway. This particular cultivar of the standard Northern Sea Oats has brilliantly variegated striping and begins the season with a very upright 'mini-bamboo-esque' growth pattern. As bar-b-que season wears on, green oat heads will begin to form on the ends of the grasses, amending their spikey vertical growth into a more arching and swaying habit. By mid-August the seed heads will turn to a phenomenal burnt-auburn color that can catch late afternoon sun with an almost preposterously beautiful result. Northern Sea Oats have a tendency to re-seed themselves, which should be used to your advantage by siting them someplace with plenty of room to allow them to fill in over time. A note to the retentive: Most seeds from variegated plants do not present the variegated mutation in the subsequent generations of off-spring, so make sure to go through with a fine-toothed garden comb to snatch out the non-striped volunteer seedlings.



Chasmanthium latifolium is listed as a Zone 5-8 hardy plant, which means Northern gardeners can look forward to planting them soon, thanks to Global Warming. Again, these will have a tendency to re-seed and spread quickly, so plan accordingly. Like many members of the grass family (Poaceae), 'River Mist' likes a moist well-drained soil, however reports of successful planting in almost any soil type abound across the internet. Probably more important to success is plenty of sun and regular watering, which fall under the "Common Sense" category of General Plant Needs. This plant is so simple to care for, its becoming difficult to write about.



As a somewhat recent addition to the horticultural world, visitors to your Garden Manscape won't know what to make of 'River Mist', much like Skeletor's intergalactic henchmen quiver with fear in the face of He-Man's giant mutated jungle tiger Battle-Cat. Everyone at Castle Greyskull knows Battle-Cat is the Baddest Cat on the Block. Isn't it time you let your friends know you are too?





photo credit:
1] http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/4/49256/1435306-he_man_and_battlecat.jpg
2] http://www.gapphotos.com/images/WebPreview/0174/0174480.jpg
3] http://www.brokenarrownursery.com/shop/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/c/h/chasmanthium_latifolium_river_mist_3.jpg
4] http://www.dovecreekgardens.com/images/products/2011/G1001%20Variegated%20River%20Oats.jpg
5] http://www.bearcreeknursery.net/plants/grasses/botanical-names.html

The Nintendo Power Glove of the Garden - Digitalis parviflora

In 1989, the most incredibly futuristic and fantastic addition to the burgeoning video game industry was announced and launched into the American market. My friends, we had been delivered the Power Glove. This was to become a most epic failure in the market but a most smashing success in my imagination. For the first time as a child, I had a tool from the future. I had a beautiful piece of equipment that allowed me to fully understand and explore the realm of cybernetics. I may have looked like a regular 5 year old boy, but I was actually only half regular 5 year old boy,and half dangerous space robot pilot from the future. And those days were good. Reminiscing now, there is only one plant that can possibly resuscitate those feelings of joy, power, and beauty. This is Digitalis parviflora, the rusty foxglove.


Rusty may sound like a nasty color, but that's really just to say that it's more orange-brown, which may sound like a nasty color, but that's really just to say that it's more like sweet, sweet milk chocolate. And that most certainly does not sound like a nasty color. Foxglove gets its Latin name Digitalis from the look of its flower, which is shaped sort of like the snipped off fingers of a glove. Digitus in Latin means Finger, so its literally "of fingers". Many species have been cultivated to act as perennials, but Foxglove's natural tendency is as a biennial. A biennial plant is one which doesn't actually flower its first year, but builds a healthy root system and will establish vegetative structures (like leaves). Then only in its second year will it produce a heavy display of flowers (and therefore seeds) before it dies. And that is a rather valiant existence.


Foxgloves can be expected to reach between 2 and 4 feet depending on conditions, which like most horticultural plants, include adequate water and good drainage. Every part of this plant is poisonous if ingested, so although you should plant them in plenty of sun, avoid a location too close to the vegetable plot. As stated before, these will produce seed and self-sow (replant themselves) readily, so if you're looking for a nice tidy specimen plant make sure to dead head as the flower spike begins to close up. The flowers themselves are incredible upward sloping tubes that often have amazing and minute color detailing, much like a fine ghetto cruiser with sassy pinstriped flames. Keep these planted together en masse, and use them near the front of the border to allow that sassy detailing to be seen when they bloom around mid-summer.


The catch phrase of this blog is "These ain't your grandma's pansies." And these ain't. Digitalis parviflora is an impeccable selection for the Garden Manscape. 1 part flower, 2 parts delicious color, and 5 parts epic life cycle. If botanical cybernetics ever exist, the research will definitely start with rusty Foxglove, and I for one will already be on board. Where will you be?


photo credits:
1] http://learnunity3d.com/2010/02/nintendo-nes-power-glove-arduino-unity-win/
2] http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/jul/15/plant-of-week-digitalis-parviflora-milk-chocolate
3] http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3181/5813020999_1ed58efcd5.jpg
4] http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1295/947654885_ec05f93cd1.jpg

Mutant X - Larix decidua

Over the past 4.54 billion years, Planet Earth has been home to a cornucopia of biological evolutions from our aqueous amoebic ancestors to the current most intelligent species on Earth, the Asian Water Buffalo. Important scientists from reputed agencies and other, lesser knowledgeable scientists from many obscure corners of the globe have agreed that there has been a mutation in the botanical gene pool that defies logic, science, and other silly rule systems. This amalgamation, referenced as Mutant X, is baffling horticultural communities across the nation, giving rise to garden store revolts and peaceful occupations of national parks gift shop parking lots, between the hours of 9am and 5:30pm. Picketers have been reported carrying makeshift signs with slogans of slight confusion and mild annoyance. "Conifers aren't Deciduous!" and "My kid's Pine trees are Pine trees!" are common messages. Even our friends south of the border have been heard shouting "Mi árbol que da cono arrojar agujas cada año!" at innocent roadside plantings. Fear and panic have gripped arborists from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Prepare for the dawn of a new era; Prepare for Larix decidua - Mutant X. The European Larch Tree.


As you might imagine, the European Larch (aka Tamarack) is not native to the United States, although it has been introduced and largely naturalized throughout the country. Their particular peculiarity is that although they are a coniferous tree, they shed their needles as though they were a deciduous tree. If you can't think back to 3rd grade to remember what coniferous and deciduous are, conifer species bear cones and are gymnosperms, which means they don't make any flowers. Deciduous trees are your common leafy trees, which are angiosperms, meaning they produce flowers. So what gives? How does a conifer tree lose it's needles? Though there are a few other species of conifers that shed deciduously (Ginkgo, bald cypress, and dawn redwood) larches make up the majority of species in this rare category. And that makes them kinda freaky. We like kinda freaky.


The genus Larix is home to a multitude of species of different larches. The European Larch in question can become a rather magnificent tree over 100 feet tall, so when placing a Larch in the Garden Manscape, make sure you provide adequate room for height and width. Naturally, this conifer produces cones annually, which are one of Larix's premier showpieces. The cones are two colored, primarily red and yellow (one part male, one part female) and sit upright on the branches where the small tufts of cones protrude. These mainly fall off, but can persist through the winter. European Larch is hardy from zone 2-6 or 7, and is extremely tolerant of winter salt applications which can burn out many of the northern trees. Tamarack can also be purchased in weeping and bonsai forms, increasing its use in the garden.


Few trees are freaks, and Larix decidua is among the weirder of the weirds. Garden Manscapes should be full of specimens which bend the mind, trick the senses, and defy logic. European Larch is one of the most mystifying selections for a large-area garden, and is sure to ignite your inner freak. I mean come on, we've all got one. What's yours look like?


photo credits:
1]http://www.guzer.com/pictures/teenage-mutant-hulk.jpg
2]http://rpmedia.ask.com/ts?u=/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/96/Alberi_AlpediSiusi.JPG/120px-Alberi_AlpediSiusi.JPG
3]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/58/Larix-decidua_0088_S.jpg
4]http://www.purplebutterflies.com/michigan/images/tamarack.jpg