When I try to compile a list of "Legitimately Terrifying Things that are Somewhat Likely to Occur", the list becomes quite long;
- Emergence of deep-sea creatures with many heads
- Global take-over by an alien race who fuel their ships with people
- Hordes of re-animated dead hungry for brains
- Waking up as the only living human on the planet, but without hands
- Escape of violent insane asylum patients into my immediate neighborhood
- Capture by jungle guerillas who are actually real gorillas who have learned to speak and use advanced weaponry
As I'm sure you know, the list goes on. I think there's one item on the list I haven't mentioned, that is without doubt the most legitimately terrifying thing that's somewhat likely to occur;
- Killer Robot Army from the Future, Accessing the Present Through a Rift in the Space-Time Continuum
Terrifying, I know. But why bring this up? What reason have I got to entertain such madness? Because I have seen it. I have seen the beginnings of the invasion. The robots are coming, and they're hiding in plain sight. They think we don't know. But I know. I know there's no such thing as Abies koreana, the Korean Fir... because really they're members of a Killer Robot Army from the Future, Accessing the Present Through a Rift in the Space-Time Continuum... in disguise...
Abies koreana may appear at first glance to be a regular old Christmas Tree, and to a point you may be right. It is an evergreen Fir tree, often with a nice pyramidal shape, that can be bought around the Yule-tide season to be decorated in your home. But this year, ask your Christmas tree if it can decorate itself. 'Cause this one can. Probably the most sought after characteristic of this particular member of the Fir genus is the brilliant purpley-blue-ish upward pointing cones that emerge in the Spring. It's got purple cones. Purple. Cones. Now these will mature throughout the year and turn to more of a brown, so don't feel gyp-ed when the purple starts to fade. Of course, what's a little blue and purple without silver and green to back it up? Needles on this specimen grow in a rather peculiar curving fashion which highlight their undersides and feature two white bands on every needle. This is a pretty awesome effect and sorta screws with the eyeballs when you look at one. Kinda like a Magic Eye picture. Except from Korea. And made of tree.
Hardy to Zones 5-7, this fir is a bit more heat tolerant than most others. As such it enjoys lots of sun, but will be a slower grower than you might hope. Considering its ornamental value however, growth rate shouldn't really break the bank. Expect 15-30' of growth over a few decades. Cities or urban areas with nasty air pollution may not be the best places for Abies koreana, and you'll want to make sure you have a looser soil in which to grow them. I recommend a pretty average watering regime, no more or less than you'd wet down your other average plants, but they prefer not to have wet feet, alot like robots... hm...
When the somewhat-likely-to-be-inevitable happens, you'll want to be on the right side. I figure a killer robot army from the future is going to need a guy on the inside, so to me, establishing a good relationship with one of their agents is key. This way, he'll have a soft spot for me when the battalions of mechanized intruders invade through the space-time continuum rift, and spare me from their wrath. And if not, at least I had an awesome tree back in the golden days when the gettin' was good. Get yourself some Killer Robot Army from the Future insurance. Plant Abies koreana, the Korean Fir, in your Garden Manscape.
photo credit:
1] http://brianorndorf.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54ee7b642883301156fa4b2c8970c-500wi
2] http://www.susancohangardens.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/abies-koreana-silberlocke.jpg
3] http://v3.cache2.c.bigcache.googleapis.com/static.panoramio.com/photos/original/52946649.jpg?redirect_counter=1
4] http://www.fossilcreeknursery.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/product_full/abies_koreana_starkers_dwarf.jpg
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